Chooch Press
Down the Yellow Brick Road: The Wizard of Kentucky
Understanding the sorcerer behind the Freedom Religion and all of its gods.
Read aloud
By Chooch
March 8, 2023, 5:08 p.m. ET
Von Helton’s Story of Napoleon
Von Helton tells the story of Napoleon going down into the vaults. “He did something you and I would never do; he went down into them damn Vatican vaults.” And when Napoleon comes out, Von Helton describes, he comes out white as a sheet. “Man, that boy is white. Holy shit. So I guess when he came out of there he must have been translucent.” As Napoleon came out of the vaults, he tells his men, “Holy shit. Man, everything we believe is a lie.” Von Helton states, “Everything is a lie, and Napoleon confirmed it.” This includes religion, science, politics, business, and everything you believe. When Von Helton got this information, he sat down and said, “Okay, fuck the dumb shit. If there is somebody out there who gives a fuck, I’m going to find who they are. I’m going to make it my mission to find out who the fuck they are.”
“Everything is a lie, and Napoleon confirmed it.”
Freedom Religion
Origin
After Von Helton’s first divorce with Pamela Sue and the loss of his first two sons, Von Helton, sobbing, had the Bible in one hand and a pistol in the other. Moments before he was able to take his own life with the pistol, a finger lifted Von Helton’s head by the chin and Von Helton saw standing before him a glowing entity made of pure light. Von Helton says he had encountered demons before, but this glowing entity was no demon, as he could sense he wasn’t being deceived the same way he perceives the Prophet Mohammed or Father Abraham was. The glowing entity told Von Helton, “You have a great and glorious future that will benefit all of mankind.” From that point onward, Von Helton had a direct communication with the gods of creation.
Von Helton asked the gods of creation what this new religion should be named. He sent out a handful of options to the gods of creation, and the word “freedom” resonated with the gods most. This is how Von Helton’s religion, Freedom Religion, got its name.
Von Helton was a Christian for twenty years and experimented with other religions afterwards until he was introduced to Freedom Religion. “When I was a Christian, I was getting my ass beat left, right, and center.”
Von Helton says, “The gods of creation are so fucking cool, man” and “The gods of creation are fucking awesome. I really can’t emphasize that enough, how fucking awesome, and how fucking down to earth they are, okay? I can talk to them just like I’m talking to you right now.” Von Helton asked the gods why he was chosen by the gods of creation for this religion. The gods told him, “We picked you because of your dogged loyalty.” Von Helton responded to the gods saying, “Well, that sounds like a plan to me.”
The Gods of Creation
The gods of creation have no names. According to Von Helton, they absolutely despise being given human names. Von Helton claims there could be hundreds if not thousands of gods, both male and female. “It was never Christianity. It was never Buddhism. It was never any of the other shit you tried. It has aways been us from day fucking one. And they took me back and they showed me all this shit in my past, where they have intervened and whatnot. And they say it’s always been us. We were patient enough for you to get a clue and to reach out to us and hook up with us, and I’m like you know I respect the fuck out of that shit.”
Magic
Von Helton is a self-proclaimed sorcerer.
Von Helton tells people he considers himself to be a physical rendition of Dr. Strange. He also claims he is so powerful, that he makes Dr. Strange look like a tinker toy. The gods of creation encourage Von Helton to use magic. However, Von Helton doesn’t use magic on his personal affairs since those are to be handled by the gods of creation. Instead, Von Helton uses his magic for weather and some politics, but not much.
Approximately 90% of Von Helton’s day consists of studying of some kind, whether that’s studying video game mods, studying how to do magic, or studying to do whatever it is the gods want him to do. The gods will sometimes wake him up in the middle of the night to tell him to go on the internet “for always something important, of course.” Von Helton constantly studies, just like Dr. Strange. “I mean, look at Dr. Strange. What did he do? He went to Shambala and he sat there and he studied, studied, studied, studied, studied.”
Proselytization
The gods tell Von Helton that he is not supposed to proselytize Freedom Religion. When Von Helton asked the gods about this, they said, “If people ask, you tell them. If they don’t, fuck ‘em.” Von Helton says proselytizing is wrong because it gives people a false impression of inclusion.
Immortality
Von Helton has quantum immortality; the demons cannot keep him dead when they kill him. The demons have killed Von Helton like ten times, but he keeps coming back. Why? Because the prophecy has to be fulfilled. “The death angel could come and wipe out the entirety of humanity, and I’m going to be right back again because I still have a prophecy to fulfill.”
When Von Helton was a teenager, he went to a party where he saw lines of white powder on a mirror that he was convinced by a peer to snort. He claims he had no idea what it was, but he was told it would make him high. After snorting the mystery powder, he notices that absolutely nothing has changed. Von Helton explains, “I think what it was is that the gods were protecting me because that shit is highly addictive, it is extremely expensive, and it would have fucking ruined me.”
Gods’ Plan
The gods of creation told Von Helton that everything that has been done to him will be restored. Von Helton asked, “How, though? Dude, I’m almost 60 fucking years old. How are going to get me two more wives, a whole shitload of kids, how are you going to pull that shit with me 60?” But the gods assured Von Helton that they have a plan, they will bring it to pass, and Von Helton will see the destruction of his enemies.
Von Helton points out childbirth complications for women over thirty, so Von Helton seeks to date a woman in her twenties, since he wants more children. “If I’m not interested in having children, then yes, I would probably date a 30 or 40 year old woman, no problem, especially if they are very attractive. But I am one of those people, that, I actually want a family. I want children. And so yes, I’m going to look at someone in their twenties, because that medically is who can have children.”
This promise from the gods that Von Helton’s life will be restored came before the 2020 pandemic. Von Helton notes that many people are experiencing sudden deaths starting around 2022. Von Helton sees this as an act of the gods, because now that young men are dying of heart failure, this eliminates his competition for women in their child-bearing years for him to start a family with.
Female Goddesses
Of the gods of religion, Von Helton says the female goddesses are especially awesome. The goddesses of Freedom Religion told Von Helton to read a specific part of the Epic of Gilgamesh, that said that the goddesses wept for human kind. “And the goddesses were like, that’s us. We really did weep for you. And we do care about you. And never ever believe that we don’t. And I’m like, okay, I got the message.”
According to Von Helton, the female goddesses gave women make-up. This includes “all kinds of blush, and rouge, and different shades of lipstick, and all kinds of eye-shadow and eye-liner, and eyebrow buffer things that, you know, make your eyebrows poof, and all kinds of crafty stuff.” The female goddesses told women, quote, “Yeah, man, uh, you know, here’s your make-up so that men will be attracted to you and you can have lots of babies.”
Restoring the Republic
The gods of creation told Von Helton that they will restore the republic. It is important to Von Helton they said the republic and not America, “because the constitution we’re under right now was ratified in 1871 and that constitution takes America and converts it from a republic into a corporation. So, if the gods had said we were going to restore America, that would have been a red flag for me. Because I would have said, now wait a minute, you know, we’re a corporation, right now. Why would you restore something that is made by the New World Order and is inherently evil?”
Followers
Von Helton does not believe he is a lone follower of the Freedom Religion, as the gods of creation were also in contact with Nikola Tesla and Edgar Cayce. “Where do you think they got their knowledge from?” Von Helton was visited by a glowing entity made of pure light as an introduction to the gods of creation and Freedom Religion, and Von Helton claims Donald Trump experienced a similar visitation.
However, Von Helton notes people may refer to him as a prophet since he is in fact the originator of the Freedom Religion, except the gods themselves don’t use the word prophet. Instead, Von Helton describes himself to have a prophecy over his head that will benefit all of mankind.
The Butterfly Prophecy
According to Von Helton, the destroyer comes every 37,000 years and “if humanity is being a fucktard, they wipe us out and they start over.” The gods of creation gave Von Helton the butterfly prophecy, which he is excited for. One day, Von Helton was talking to the gods of creation about the end of times, criticizing other religions for having end-of-time prophecies that always include shitting on humanity, doom and gloom, and evil running amuck. Von Helton told the gods that it would really be nice if we could have an end-of-time prophecy that is the opposite, where the good guys win, where humanity is spared, and everything goes out great for us in the end. Then the gods said, “Well, our end times scenario isn’t so negative.” Von Helton said, “Oh really?” The gods of creation explained, because of the corruption of elitists, the current state of humanity is not at the fault of the common people. Therefore, the destroyer that comes every 37,000 years to wipe out humanity will “go after the elitist bastards: Rothschilds, Rockefellers, Morgans, Carnegies, Warburgs, Vanderbilts.” The elitists will be wiped out, the “fake-ass money” will be destroyed, and humanity will return to the gold standard. All of the wealth will be redistributed to the non-elites and the prices of goods will drop. Everything will become stabilized and humanity for the first time will truly be free. When you look out your window, you will see thousands and thousands of butterflies of all different shapes, colors, and sizes. You will know when the New World Order and GMOs have been destroyed when you see thousands of butterflies everywhere.
“I can’t wait to see all of them fucking butterflies, man. That’s going to be fucking awesome, because everyone on the God damn planet is going to want to know where the fuck all these butterflies come from. And guess who’s going to be able to give them the answer? That would be me. Because you can’t find that shit in the Bible, you can’t find it in the Torah, you can’t find it in the Talmud, you can’t find it in the Quran, you can’t find it in the Eucharist, you can’t find it in any of the Pagan writings. There’s only one person talking about butterflies, and that is me. So, I’m gonna be a busy boy when those butterflies show up.”
Haters
Since Von Helton claims to have started the birther movement, being the first birther of Barrack Obama and exposing him for being Barry Soetoro, Von Helton accumulated haters that destroyed his marriage, drove his wife insane giving her five mental conditions, caused CPS to take away his kids, got his mother murdered in cold blood, and almost starved him to death. Von Helton also lost his inheritance money, stimulus checks, SSI, and almost all of his land. According to Von Helton, more hate videos about him exist online than they do for Hitler, Mau, and Stalin combined, of which call him a murderer, child molester, and terrorist.
“I’m literally over there starving to death in that single-wide, I’m in the double-wide now, but when I was over there in the single-wide they were going to starve me to death. I went from 250 pounds to down to 235 pounds. Yeah, for real. I literally starved to death, not even joking.”
Von Helton was sitting there starving to death for two weeks without food. He became extremely weak and he thought he may have been becoming delusional. Two big brutes, around 7 feet tall, show up to his trailer in a pick-up truck. “These mother fuckers make Man Mountain Marko look like a god damn Cub Scout. They get out of this fucking truck, and I’m like, you know, I’m delirious, I can’t use my magic, and I can’t physically fight them anymore because I got lymphedema in my feet and legs so I guess this is it, I guess I’m fucked.” The two brutes come up to the door and hand Von Helton a white styrofoam box, saying, “We were told to give this to you.” Inside the box was a steak dinner with all of the trimmings. Von Helton describes the steak, “It was one of those round-shaped steaks, you know. It’s round, and it’s real thick. It was, it, it was, it was round, it was shaped like, it was shaped like a, like, like a, like a can of, like a can of beans, but it was a steak.” Von Helton believes that the steak shaped like a can of beans was given to him in the nick of time since he was about to starve to death. When he finishes the meal and recovers some strength, he goes around the entire trailer park knocking on doors asking if someone is out passing out dinners, only to find that only he alone received a steak dinner. Since Von Helton was so close to death, Von Helton believes these two big men were sent by the gods to save his life. “They were awfully big,” Von Helton said, “They might have been angels.”
Beliefs
Hurricanes
In reference to the US hurricanes of 2022, “Twenty fucking hurricanes a year and every one of them is heading straight for the United States? Come on, man. Put your thinking cap on this morning, okay? Is there somebody manipulating the weather? Fuck yes, they are.”
“I have transcended into becoming a sorcerer. I make Dr. Strange look like a tinker-toy.” Von Helton says he can manipulate the weather with his magic using astral projection. Von Helton goes to sleep, astral projects, which is the belief your consciousness separates from your sleeping body to explore the physical world, and breaks up hurricanes; quote, “I bust that mother fucker up into a million pieces.” Von Helton was responsible for saving the United States from “all 20 hurricanes” of 2022. Von Helton explains he would see the news on the television reporting the hurricane, go to sleep, bust up the hurricane in the astral plane, wake up to check the news again, and the “poor girl” reporting the weather out in the field would say “it was just here a second ago.”
A depiction of Von Helton astral projecting.
“The First Birther”
Von Helton was the first birther and started the birther movement, which is why he considers himself to be the most hated man on the internet. Back before Barrack Obama was even a senator, Von Helton allegedly released a series of videos where he exposed him for being Barry Soetoro and “totally outed this guy. He’s not an American. He came over here on a failed student loan visa. He is a puppet of the CIA. He’s tied in with the Muslim Brotherhood and Islam and Jihad and all these mother fuckers. He’s bad news. He’s a fake American. He needs to be stripped of his Secret Service and put on a slow boat back to Kenya where he belongs. Or Indonesia, either one.” Von Helton adds that other non-Americans are Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, and Kamala Harris.
Further proof was told by Von Helton, quote, “His brother, Malik, outed his ass anyway. He didn’t have no choice. Mother fucker does something really stupid and goes to Kenya and stands behind a microphone with cameras rolling. That was stupid, because the whole fucking front row was his family. And so he finally had to admit, ‘Yeah, I’m a Kenyan president. I’m the first Kenyan president.’ He had to. He had to admit it, because if he hadn’t, the way his family was sitting there in the front row, they would have jumped out and said, ‘Hey, what are you talking about you was born in America, bitch? He was born here in Kenya and we all know it.’ Because the whole fucking front row of that damn live show was his family. I’m like, yeah, you’re fucking busted now, bitch.”
Flat Earth
The gods of creation have us in an enclosed environment, like a petri dish, that is totally sealed off, except space isn’t real. According to Von Helton, all the numbers regarding the “ball Earth” all come out to 666 in one way or another. “Somebody gave me a gif of ball Earth numbers, and everything come out was 666 in it.” Demons seek to deceive people about the shape of the Earth as a test to see if people can be fooled and controlled. If you believe in “ball Earth,” then you believe in the deity that created ball Earth, which is the Greek God, Helios. Von Helton says, if you are a Jew, Christian, or Muslim, and you believe in “ball Earth,” then you are entertaining a Greek God and thus committing blasphemy. Therefore, the elites are diabolically evil for pushing ball Earth theory onto religious people since it forces them to commit blasphemy.
“I mean, you know, I was fine with the ball Earth when it rotated on its axis and it revolved around the sun, but when they came up with this cockamamie shit that the whole solar system was careening through space at billions of miles an hour, that’s when I lost my shit. I’m like, yeah, fuck this.”
The Moon Landing
Von Helton says Buzz Aldrin believes he went to the moon because the FBI pumped LSD into the capsule (space shuttle) as a gas, put the mother fuckers (astronauts) to sleep, and when they wake up they are out in the middle of the desert high on LSD surrounded by rocks that have been painted grey. And they were told “Yeah, man, you guys are on the moon. Have a good time, you know. You landed. You made it. You’re on the moon. Have a good time.”
Medicine
Von Helton preaches the origin of the word medicine is pharmakeia. The origin of the word pharmakeia, according to Von Helton, means “black magic.” “So, every time you pop a fucking pill, you’re working black magic.”
Astrology
Von Helton was born on October 24th and is a Scorpio. Von Helton describes himself in the terms of being Scorpio as being a hopeless romantic that wears his heart on his sleeve and can be very emotional.
Poltergeist Encounter
Von Helton tells of his time in New York where a woman approached him asking for help in her apartment. When he arrives, he sees a plethora of knives stuck in her door. The woman exclaims, “He’s in the kitchen.” Von Helton charges to the kitchen ready to take down a burglar and swiftly dives under the table as knives flew at him into the floor behind him barely missing him. When he came out from under the table, he saw that nobody was there.
YouTube Ban
Von Helton claims to have had 16-thousand subscribers before being banned from YouTube for talking about Angela Merkel’s “Trojan Horse.” Quote, “For thousands of years, Muslims have been trying to get into Europe. Then Angela Merkel allowed the Muslims to come in in the name of tolerance.” Due to this ban, Von Helton plans to “sue the shit out of YouTube and Google for billions” since he believes information in his videos could have prevented thousands of European girls and women from being raped and murdered by Muslim immigrants. “But Google! Bless their pea-pickin’ little hearts, thought it was the right thing to do to ban my videos in Europe, and Google is going to go down in flames for this one.”
Hydroxychloroquine
Von Helton tells of a 2003 movie called “Pandemic,” where in the movie, the cure for the pandemic was chloroquine. This is significant because this shows Hollywood already knew the cure for the 2020 pandemic all the way back in 2003. “That’s probably how Trump knew about it. Now, he couldn’t get chloroquine, so he settled for hydroxychloroquine, but I mean, all the word hydro means is water. So they just added water to the damn thing.”
Alex Jones
Von Helton believes in 1997, there were two Alex Jones’s. One was a bodybuilder known as the real Alex Jones, and the other was comedian, Bill Hicks. Alex Jones was murdered for being a truther and was replaced by Bill Hicks after Bill Hicks faked his own death.
In regards to Alex Jones’s 2022 lawsuit over Sandy Hook claims, Von Helton sent a message to Alex Jones asking to speak for Alex Jones in court. Von Helton believes Alex Jones would not have lost the lawsuit if Alex Jones accepted this offer.
Sandy Hook
Von Helton believes Obama did Sandy Hook.
Obama Clones
Von Helton believes Barrack Obama is a clone of Ancient Egyptian pharaoh, Akhenaten, Michelle Obama is a clone of Queen Tiye, Akhenaten’s mother, and even their children are clones, but Von Helton does not know why these Ancient Egyptians were cloned.
Obama’s Mother
Von Helton claims Barrack Obama’s mother rose to prominence through promiscuity, and he can prove it with copies of her nude photos.
Pentagrams
To protect himself from demons, which he claims to have encountered, Von Helton wears a pentagram as a pendant on a chain around his neck. Von Helton recommends buying a cheap pentagram to wear around your neck, but it is required that one of the points of the symbol is facing up. He also recommends making your own pentagram out of reeds, because making it with your own two hands will make it “super powerful.”
Von Helton (2022) shown wearing a pentagram symbol pendant.
Father Abraham
Von Helton believes Father Abraham was met by the demon, Moloch, pretending to be God and they splashed around in animals’ blood together.
Jesus Christ
Von Helton doesn’t believe Jesus Christ is real, as he is an amalgamation of the Hindu god, Krishna, and the Roman god, Mithras. According to Von Helton, “before they settled on this Jesus character, they tried a whole bunch of characters before that.” This includes the god of Zoroastrianism, the Roman god Mithras, and “all kinds of deities.” “You see, they tried Mithras at first and the Pagans were like, yeah, no, no, fuck you, we’re not buying that shit.”
Demons
Von Helton acknowledges Moloch (Canaanite demon), Hubal (Arab "Moon god" of pre-Islamic times), and Mot (Canaanite god of death and the Underworld) as being evil. However, Von Helton says Baal (Christian demon) is a “good guy.” Quote, “Baal is the god of life, love, happiness, you know, peace, joy.” Von Helton explains, in the Bible, Jehovah goes after Baal instead of Mot because “Jehovah is the god of war like Aries. The more you know, the more you grow. Reading Rainbow. Take a look, it’s in a book, Reading Rainbow.”
According to Von Helton, the Christian God is a demon from Ancient Sumer and had a wife named Asherah. Von Helton says when the Founding Fathers found out about this, they divested themselves of Christianity and became deist.
Jews
Von Helton says, quote, “The scripture says the Lord will force the Jews to return to Israel. It’s not going to be pleasant, but I just want them out of my country.”
Washington DC
According to Von Helton, the bankers visited the United States in the 1700s and asked Ben Franklin about US currency. Ben Franklin told the bankers that the US uses colonial script and that “we have not one person that is poor here,” which enraged the bankers. Von Helton explains that after the Founding Fathers died, the bankers returned to the United States to build Washington DC “with all of its Illuminati symbology” and took over the United States “because Ben Franklin pissed them off.” Von Helton continues, “You didn’t know Washington DC was fake? Yeah. It’s as fake as a 3 dollar-bill. Our real capital is in Pennsylvania, bro.” Von Helton adds that the second White House is in Florida and it’s called the Mar-a-Lago.
Polygamy
Von Helton wonders if the Muslim population will one day be high enough in the United States for polygamy to be legalized. Von Helton claims monogamy was invented by the New World Order because being limited to only one wife cuts down on the world population.
Pedophilia
In the past, Von Helton made an off-color joke about trading his wife for two fifteen-year-old girls. In Von Helton’s defense of the joke, he is a polygamist and the Muslims are doing much worse, marrying girls as young as six years old. Also, until just recently, fifteen or sixteen was the legal age of consent in the state of Kentucky with parental consent. Also, Von Helton says, that back in 1908, it was moral to marry 12-year-old girls. According to Von Helton, people on average only lived to be 30 years old in 1908, so a 12-year-old girl was considered to be middle-aged.
Murder
When Von Helton was asked if he ever killed somebody, his response was, “I’m not at liberty to discuss that.”
Von Helton describes a dream where police enter his home with evidence of his gun being used in a criminal act. In the dream, Von Helton busts out laughing saying, “The Frosts stole all of my guns. You’re at the wrong house. You need to go down the road about two houses to James Arnold Frost’s because they stole the guns years ago. I don’t have my guns. They stole them. So if they were used in a crime, you need to go down the road and talk to the Frosts.” Von Helton says he hopes that this dream comes true and that the cops do actually visit him at his home. When asked if he anticipates this dream coming true, Von Helton responds, “I don’t know. It could have just been a dream-dream, I don’t know. Does it matter? I don’t have the guns. You can’t blame me for something I ain’t got, you know. I ain’t had the guns in forever. So, yeah. They can’t blame me for something I ain’t done- that I ain’t got. If they want the people that have the guns they got to go down and talk to the Frosts, and while they’re at it, hopefully throw their asses in prison.”
CPS
Since Von Helton claims to be the most hated man on the internet for exposing Obama, Von Helton claims that his haters went after his kids, which caused him to lose custody and resulted in his three children being put up for adoption. Allegedly, the reasoning used by CPS to take away the kids was Von Helton was potty-training his puppies inside the home.
Von Helton, with lymphedema in his feet and legs, adds, “I can’t wait for Clay County to realize that forcing a cripple to clean his house is called cruel and unusual punishment, and it’s an actual crime in all 50 states. Clay County is going to get a big surprise on that shit.”
Net Worth
Von Helton claims he has a net worth of 32 million dollars, that is of course once he gets everything straightened out.
The Frosts
Von Helton plans to sue the Frosts, his relatives from Ohio, for stealing his inheritance sum of 32 million dollars. Unfortunately, Von Helton believes the Frosts have already spent a “shit ton of it.” Von Helton says “Fat Larry Frost” was on the internet threatening to call CPS every single day to get Von Helton’s kids taken away.
Von Helton does not currently own any firearms because the Frosts sent their boys down from Ohio to steal all of his guns. “I don’t need guns anyway,” Von Helton says, “I got fucking magic.”
The Frosts also stole from Von Helton 100 WWII war bonds worth 200-thousand dollars each, twenty-million dollars in total. They also stole from Von Helton numerous Certificates of Deposits, Treasury Bills, and numerous insurance policies.
Von Helton’s Father
Von Helton’s father passed away in 2007, leaving an inheritance sum of 6 million dollars. Von Helton was able to acquire the first 2 million of it, another 2 million was stolen from Von Helton by The Frosts, which Von Helton is fighting in court for, and the last 2 million has yet to be recovered. According to Von Helton, Larry Frost is paying for his son’s college with Von Helton’s father’s money.
Baron
Von Helton, an actual landlord/baron, is ready to give eviction notices to all his renters since they refuse to pay rent. Currently, he charges his tenants $400 per month for rent. When Von Helton was a child playing video games, he would call himself “Baron Von Helton,” which he considers to be not only a self-fulfilling prophecy to become a real baron, but also the way his gods have worked it out for him.
The Adopting Parents of His Children
CPS took away Von Helton’s custody of his three children and the children were adopted. In early 2023, the adopting parents contacted Von Helton over Skype to accuse Von Helton of “drawing off them kids at tax time and we’ve been having those kids for three years.” Von Helton argues that since they were only foster parents during the tax year before officially adopting them, they didn’t technically hold full possession of the children. However, in Von Helton’s confusion, he allegedly asked H&R Block about this, and they told him he hadn’t even filed his taxes in the last three or four years.
His Son’s Disability Checks
Before the CPS took away Von Helton’s children, his only income was the disability checks for his special needs son. According to somebody named Corbin, Von Helton was allowed legally to use this money to pay bills.
Donation to a Former Twitch Streamer
In a February 2023 YouTube stream by former Twitch-streamer, Brittany Venti, Brittany Venti received a donation from the username “realVonHelton” for $3000 with no additional comment added. Afterwards, haters of his threatened to “tell the judge and the police” that Von Helton had used estate money of his deceased mother to donate to Brittany Venti to have him thrown in prison over it. However, Von Helton claims he did not make the $3000 donation to former Twitch-streamer, Brittany Venti, and bank records will show that he did not withdraw $3000 from the estate fund. Von Helton says the estate fund is all the money that he has, because he has yet to go to court to get back his inheritance of 32 million dollars. Until then, Von Helton says he is walking on eggshells because estate money cannot be used for personal use.
Brittany Venti
In a February 2023 YouTube stream by former Twitch-streamer, Brittany Venti, 27, Brittany Venti read a Super Chat from a man in which the man stated he was 44 years old. Von Helton misinterpreted this as her talking about herself, revealing that instead of being 27, she is instead is in fact 44 years old. Looking back at the live chat, there is no evidence for anyone else making this misinterpretation, however, Von Helton reports all of the 44-year-old men in the live chat celebrated since this puts them in the ranks of dating Brittany Venti. Unfortunately, since Von Helton is 59 years old, he considers himself to be “out of the loop” and is “a piece of fucking dust.” Brittany Venti said in the same stream that she wouldn’t date anyone who was 20 years older than her. Since Von Helton believes Brittany Venti is 44, and Von Helton is 59, Von Helton believes 59 is 20 years older than 44, which puts him out-of-range, to which he says, “There goes my plans.” Von Helton stated, quote, “If I was dating Brittany, you know, the thought of procreating would be first and foremost on my mind.”
Quote, “When you zoom real close in on her face, you can kind of see a few little wrinkles starting to form. When the camera gets real close, when she gets real close to the camera, you can make out little wrinkles around her mouth, around her eyes, and the typical beginnings of age. When she gets up really, really close to the camera, you can see a little bit of crow’s feet around her mouth and her eyes.”
In 2023, Brittany Venti announced she was dating Sean from the YouTube channel, Think Before You Sleep. This announcement came shortly after the $3000 donation from username “realVonHelton” to Brittany Venti, to which Von Helton questions, “By passing interest, could I have drove her in the hands of this guy?” He continues, “I had a mild interest in her, you know. And so could it be that is what made her finally decide to date this guy?” Von Helton believes his mild interest in Brittany Venti drove her into a panicked scramble to begin dating the next guy that enters her vicinity.
Seeing Brittany Venti’s new boyfriend is also in the limelight as a successful streamer, Von Helton questions, “So is this a serious thing or is this a joint-venture for financial gain, what is it?”
Von Helton is critical of this decision of hers, saying “the methos of having a younger guy is appealing, because it symbolizes virility and youth and bigger and energy. The problem is that it doesn’t work out in practicality, because unfortunately, and sorry guys, but younger guys tend to be unstable. And women don’t like instability, so usually it doesn’t work out.” Von Helton continues, “I used to be young a long time ago. I remember. As the old saying goes, young, dumb, and full of cum. I wasn’t serious about being a husband or a father or any of that shit. And she’s going to find that out the hard way. This is why you don’t date people your age, not if you’re wanting something serious.”
Since Brittany Venti does independent journalistic research for her streams which could put her at risk, Von Helton “put a ring of protection around her.” He also asked the gods of creation to put a ring of protection around her and to intercede on her behalf.
Claims
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The demons have killed Von Helton like ten times, but he keeps coming back. Why? Because the prophecy is to be fulfilled. “I’m like a bad rash. I just keep coming back.”
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There is a large fist-imprint in the road in front of Von Helton’s home made by the gods of creation as a warning to his enemies to stay away. Von Helton says, “I know that message wasn’t for me. Because I ain’t stolen nobody’s inheritance. I ain’t killed nobody’s mother. I ain’t got nobody’s wife kicked off the property. I ain’t drove nobody’s wife insane. I ain’t stolen nobody’s inheritance money. I ain’t stolen nobody’s SSI or stimulus checks. That wasn’t me that did that shit. So, was that fist out there for me? Fuck no, it wasn’t. That was for Clay County, the Frosts, and these God damn YouTube trolls.”
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Von Helton claims Sam Samuels verified that Alex Jones watches Von Helton’s videos, which resulted in Von Helton once calling Alex Jones out in a video, saying, “Say my name, bro. Say my fucking name. What are you afraid of?”
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Von Helton claims, before getting lymphedema in his feet and legs, he used to be a martial artist, ultra-weight boxer, and powerlifter.
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Von Helton claims his haters sent him a pipe bomb in the mail, except it had glitter in it.
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Von Helton claims to have served one day of jailtime and was charged 60-thousand dollars because a woman in California reported to the authorities that Von Helton was the father of her child conceived in North Dakota. Between Von Helton’s two marriages, Von Helton and this woman were living together in North Dakota. The woman asked Von Helton to impregnate her, which he was willing to comply on the condition that she would leave him alone, but three pregnancy tests showed Von Helton did not get the woman pregnant. Von Helton says this was the gods protecting him. Around this time, the woman must have taken a snip of Von Helton’s hair. Later, the woman did in fact give birth to a child, but Von Helton says everybody in this North Dakota town, “Everybody in Zap, North Dakota, everybody, even the fucking street merchant, urchins, even they knew, that that kid was not mine. Anybody could call Zap, North Dakota, hey, is that Von Helton’s kid? No. Nope, belongs to the guy down the road.” Allegedly, this woman from California took some of Von Helton’s hair, put it in an envelope, wrote her son’s name on the envelope, and sent it off to California. Then the State of California ran a DNA test on the hair and matched it to Von Helton, which therefore framed him as being the father of the child. “I called North Dakota. I personally called North Dakota. I said, hey, was anybody monitoring this bitch when she sent those documents out?” Allegedly, Von Helton was charged 60-thousand dollars, which the mother of the child received. If Von Helton’s mother didn’t bail him out of jail after one day, paying 11-thousand dollars for bail, Von Helton claims, “They were going to leave me in jail to rot for the rest of my life. They were not going to get me out, ever.” The specific crime Von Helton was charged with to serve jailtime for is unknown.
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Von Helton claims responsibility for the Mountain Dew re-release of the Mountain Dew Pitch Black flavor in 2011, which was originally discontinued in 2004. Von Helton was fond of this flavor, as he describes it as tasting just like a raw grape. Allegedly, Von Helton went door-to-door in his small Kentucky town asking residents if they remember the flavor. “Oh yeah,” they said, “I remember. It tasted just like a raw grape.” After gathering thousands of signatures, Von Helton sent his petition for the flavor’s return to Mountain Dew, which was allegedly the reason for the flavor’s re-release. In late 2022, Von Helton predicted Mountain Dew Pitch Black would return on the shelves again, which it did in 2023.
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Von Helton claims he auditioned to play Wolverine in the Marvel movies, but he got rejected. “Yeah, I know I’m 60 fucking years old, but hey, we just took fucking Samuel L. Jackson and de-aged that mother fucker by 50 God damn years on the screen. If we can do that shit, they can do that shit for me, right?” Von Helton corrects himself by saying he didn’t actually audition, but he put his “name in the hat and got rejected.” Von Helton says, “I am Wolverine,” adding he is 5’7” and stocky. In reference to his bodyfat, calling it a “spare tire,” Von Helton says, “They can get rid of this belly for me in just a few months. I don’t know how the fuck they do it. I guess they are making them drink apple cider vinegar.”
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Von Helton claims he used to have email and Facebook communication with Stan Lee and Art Bell.
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Von Helton claims he got the gig for Robert Downey Jr. to play Iron Man. “Remember, the mother fucker was in and out of rehab, in and out of jail, Favreau wasn’t going to pick him. Favreau wasn’t going to pick Robert Downey Jr.” But Von Helton literally “emailed Marvel and Hollywood” insisting Robert Downey Jr. gets a second chance.
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Von Helton claims he picked Patrick Stewart to play Charles Xavier in the X-Men movies. “They weren’t going to pick him. They had somebody named Ben picked out. Some bald guy named Ben.” Only days prior to their final decision on the role, Von Helton emailed Marvel recommending Patrick Stewart. Having also chosen the role for Robert Downey Jr. to play Iron Man, Von Helton says, “I made Hollywood billions and billions of dollars on those two picks.”
Truth
Von Helton says, as an ordained minister through the Unification Church, the emissary for the Freedom Religion, and a prophet for the true gods of creation, Von Helton is not allowed to lie. “Nine ways to Sunday, I can’t lie. I’m not allowed.”
Chooch contributed reporting.
